


Black Ink Bleeding Through

by FolleseGaskarth



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Crying, Gender Dysphoria, Happy Ending, M/M, Trans Armin Arlert, trans!Armin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 03:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4649940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FolleseGaskarth/pseuds/FolleseGaskarth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He can usually ignore it, but even Armin has his limits.</p>
<p>[<b>Trigger warning for gender dysphoria.</b> There is a happy ending, however.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Black Ink Bleeding Through

**Author's Note:**

> I had no intention of writing this to post it. It was a self-help fic, in a sense. It made me feel a little better when I finished it so I hope it can help someone else, too. 
> 
> I relate closely to this Armin I've created. For the record, I'm genderfluid, not transgender, but currently male as I post this, so I really put myself into Armin's character. 
> 
> This is a pretty personal piece and I'd just like to highlight again that there's a **large trigger warning** for gender dysphoria. Armin speaks pretty lowly of himself and quite blatantly says some things that could be triggering.
> 
> Since it was meant to be a self-help fic, though, there is a happy ending and Armin feels much better at the end.
> 
> I apologize because this is so depressing compared to the things I usually write and post but I really just needed this.
> 
> Anyways, enough rambling. Please enjoy ♥︎

He finds that the train can’t move fast enough, can’t get him to where he wants to be fast enough. He knows his leg is shaking and he’s mouthing the words to the lyrics he’s listening to and probably looks like an idiot but it’s the only thing holding him together. It’s all he can do to keep from thinking of every single issue he’s having all at once. From his dark thoughts teasing him for having splurged on those books he wanted even though he should be saving money, reminding him of the way he looks even though he can’t help it, yelling at him to stop being so socially awkward in front of other people. Oh yeah, and that maybe he might be risking it, having kept his binder on for so long. 

But finally. It’s finally his stop and he thinks he dashes out. He can’t even remember when he started running but he did at some point. And now he’s running home, less than a block away from his apartment. Less than a block away from his boyfriend, his salvation, his everything. He’ll be there soon, it’ll all be okay soon. He’s fumbling with his keys and, just his luck, he drops them. He feels tears pricking his eyes, voices calling him a failure, but he picks them up and continues on anyways, finally getting inside. There’s a camera in the elevator so he doesn’t want to cry, not there, not until he’s home. He’s tapping his foot because, fuck, can’t this thing go any faster? Why does he have to live on the top floor? God, yes, finally, the machine dings and he’s running to his apartment, his chest tighter and tighter with every step but he continues on with the risk as long as he can collapse into his love’s arms. 

“Hey, Armin, how was-” He practically tackles him to the floor, the door shutting unlocked behind him. Oh, how lucky he was that Eren had just happened to be passing by the entrance to the apartment. And as he tightens his arms around the brunet and Eren does the same back, he starts to cry. Crying like he hasn’t in forever, waterfalls in the form of tears, washing up on the shores that was Eren’s shirt. “Armin, baby,” Eren coos and it only makes Armin start sobbing, gripping onto the wet fabric tighter. He doesn’t want Eren to pull away, doesn’t want him to see how ugly he is when he’s like this, doesn’t want Eren to ever look at him again, wants this to be the last time he sees Eren, so he can stop torturing him with how fake he is- “Armin!” Eren scolds softly, apparently he’d been saying all that aloud. Eren sits up with him, Armin’s sobs reduced to sniffling but he still feels the tears rolling, and worse, a headache forming.

“Help me get this thing off.” He mumbles, cutting off whatever Eren was just about to say, as he unbuttons his shirt. 

Eren nods and helps him lift the binder tank over his head. Armin sighs in relief, tossing the godforsaken thing as far as he can before he starts crying again; he needed to do that but he also hates it when Eren sees him like this, sees him as he truly is. Eren knows, though, knows how Armin’s feeling, and instead kisses the top of his boyfriend’s head, massaging along his ribcage, especially underneath his breasts, right where it seems to hurt Armin the most. He’s still crying though, can’t process all of this emotion, everything he’s going through, to the point where he doesn’t even know what he’s feeling anymore.

He feels pathetic, lying on the hardwood floor in front of an unlocked door, shirtless and crying into his boyfriend’s neck. He feels worthless, trying to pass off as something he’s not even though he truly feels like that’s what he is. He feels shameful for having a limit on his social interactions and not being able to be with people for more than a certain amount of time. He feels guilty, because Eren could be with someone better, could be with an actual guy instead of him, could actually be in love instead of having to pretend.

“Stop that.” Eren says softly.

“I didn’t say anything.” He sniffles.

“You’re thinking horrible things. I can tell because you’re making yourself cry more.” 

“You don’t love me, Eren.”

“Yes I do.” Eren says calmly. Armin shakes his head.

“You don’t love me,” He repeats. “I’m not a real boy.” This doesn’t surprise Eren, he’s used to Armin’s dysphoria about his gender.

“You’re as real a boy as I am,” Armin shakes his head again. “Of course you are. You say you’re a boy so you are.”

“You know what I mean, Eren.”

“And you know that gender has nothing to do with sex.”

“I’m a girl, Eren. People can tell I’m a girl.”

“You’re not a girl. People incorrectly think you’re a girl.”

“She… She handed me my coffee… a-and… she said… she called me ‘ma’am’,” Armin’s burst into tears again, closed fists against Eren’s chest along with his face, sobbing into the cotton fabric. “Why can’t I ever look like a boy?! I can’t even cut my hair short! I look so stupid! Why does the universe not want me to be a boy?! Why do I look like this?! Why’d they put me in this body?! Why’d they make me hate myself?! I hate myself, Eren! I hate myself!” 

“Shh,” Eren coos, rubbing his hands along Armin’s back. “You’re not allowed to hate yourself. You wanna know why? Because you are the most perfect human I’ve ever met.”

“You can find someone better.”

“That’s impossible-”

“You can find someone mentally sane. Someone who isn’t like me. Who doesn’t have to stop you from hanging out with your friends because they need to go home. Who has a limit on their social activity. Who claims they were born in the wrong body. Who hates themselves over something they can’t control but forces themselves to believe they can-”

“Armin. Listen to me. There’s absolutely no one I could ever find that would be better for me than you.”

“But-”

“No. I’m not accepting that. You are the best thing in the world to me. You’re unique and beautiful. I love you, your soul, your mind, your body, your gender, your shyness, your behavior, everything. Everything you hate about yourself, I have space enough to love. And I do love it. I love it all. I love all of you. You’re so perfect to me. The best thing ever,” And suddenly Eren’s tearing up, starting to cry as well, getting emotional because he doesn’t know how else to tell Armin how much he loves him. Which, in turn, makes Armin start crying more. “I hate seeing you like this. I hate seeing you in pain. I hate it when I can’t make you happy because I don’t have the right words to say but please, Armin, please believe me. God please, you’re the most amazing thing in this world, galaxy, universe, everything. You’re my everything. And I love you so much. No matter what body you’re in, what you look like, how you act. It’s all okay. It’s gonna be fine. You’re gonna be fine.” He’s touching his forehead to his boyfriend’s, taking in shaky, deep breaths after his long rambling. He doesn’t know how to display his emotions very well, tries his best to be the strong foundation for Armin to lean on but he crumbles himself. He can’t stand to see Armin in pain. He wishes he could be immediate relief, even though he knows he can’t. 

“So… you… You wouldn’t leave me?” Eren sighs in relief, glad his speech seemed to work some.

“Never. I could never. I’d be leaving behind the most precious thing in my life.” Armin wipes tears from his eyes with his wrists, sniffling some more. 

“And you… you don’t think I look like a girl?”

“You’re the most handsome man I know. Stunning, breathtaking, absolutely perfect.”

“I love you.” He’s able to get out through tears before kissing Eren, tasting his salty lips, wet from both of their tears now. 

“I love you, too,” He breathes once they’ve pulled away from each other. “Do… Do you mind… moving back a bit? I wanna see you,” Armin tenses a bit. Eren’s never really seen him like this before. Never in broad light nor for a long time. But he feels like he can do it. He forces himself to. For Eren. For Eren to help him. “God,” Eren breathes as he looks, eyes trailing over his skin in an awe-inspired way. “You’re so beautiful, Armin. So incredibly handsome. Can I touch you?”

“Y-You can, but… try not to… to touch them too much.” He says softly and Eren understands. He’s never really asked for permission for that before, knows it can make Armin uncomfortable.

He trails his hands along his sides, starting from his armpit down to his hips in slow, soothing motions and then back up again. He repeats the motions, noticing Armin’s shaky exhales and that he’s calming him down from his breakdown. Armin moves closer, resting his head against Eren’s chest again, taking deep, relaxing breaths as Eren works his therapeutic hands.

“Thank you.” Armin says softly after a while. He feels a million times better about his body.

“Anything for you, baby.”

“So… you, uhm… you really… You love me?”

“Forever, always, and for eternity, Armin.”

“I love you, too.” Armin says, hugging him tightly as he genuinely smiles for the first time that day.

**Author's Note:**

> That wasn't so bad now, was it?
> 
> I really hope this helped someone besides me. I hope someone else was able to feel a little better, regardless of who you are. 
> 
> If you need anyone to talk to, or if you'd just like to talk to me, you can find me on Tumblr as [FolleseGaskarth](http://follesegaskarth.tumblr.com).
> 
> Hope you enjoyed and thanks for reading! ♥︎


End file.
